Jovan in one of his iconic looks shot in Córdoba, Spain.
Jovan and his husband, Enrique.
EDITORIAL
Queer Stories
■ JOVAN GIBSON-AVIANCE
B.L.A.C.K
“Whites Only. No Blacks.” These are just a few I see normally on gay dating apps. That sounds ripped from the Jim Crow era, but it’s true. In person, it was just as bad. Occasionally, someone will say “I normally don’t like black guys but you are sexy” as if it I should be honored that I am the exception to their racism.
This is the story of many gay black men. It messed me up for a while, but I eventually accepted the situation and went on with my life. Eventually, I came to enjoy not being desired by most people. I could go out with my friends with no thoughts on whether or not I was dressed appropriately or even if I looked attractive enough to be desired by my peers. It was liberating. I’d laugh as friends would constantly be hounded, accosted, groped, prodded by the masses. I became their defense against the hordes. All I had to do was step in front of my friends and give a look, then poof(!), they scattered like roaches in the light!
I had to embrace myself and loved myself fully. I also understood what I am worth and no amount of racism was going to make me think less of myself. There were moments of weakness, sadness, isolation, and desperation. I slept with people I was not even that attracted to for validation. To feel desired, touched, and kissed and be intimate is universal and part of our genetic makeup. There were many times where it would all build up and explode to the point where I would break down and cry and scream (in public!), cussing out everything that moved.
In 2009, I met my husband, a Spaniard who loved all of me: HIV+, gay, black, crazy, queeny ass me! He supports me in everything I do. Heck, the man even helps make my outfits! We had a big
In Spain, a country much less diverse than most of the places I lived in the USA, I was welcomed with open arms and all that includes. I feel safe here where I’m not in fear for being black. I am actually desired here. I get hit on in my crazy outfits. One time, a guy said, “My boyfriend and I want to see you WITHOUT makeup.” (SAY WHAT?!)
With a very open relationship, I have been free to explore being desired. I had some lost years to make up for. Sex & love are two different things for me and my husband, and we could not be happier with our arrangement. No one I have encountered has treated me like dirt nor has anyone become uninterested once I show them my more feminine side. I felt true freedom for the first time in my life.
I hope you got kernels of wisdom from my experience. I can only hope that you, being a person of color, love everything that you are. If I can find love and acceptance, you can, too.
Believe in yourself and all of those around you. It’s good karma and it shows class. Love yourself and know how you should be loved. Don’t accept less than your worth. Accept yourself. Celebrate who you truly are and be memorable. Connect with people who care about you. Call people. Write frequently. Try not to isolate. Know thyself. Define your goals, dreams, aspirations, and desires. Know that nothing is out of reach and always ask for help.
Stay B.L.A.C.K., my dear friends
