EDITORIAL
Ask An Ally
■ LUKE ADAMS LMFT Kink Issue 2018
Fetish & Big Asian Dicks
Is fetishizing POCs a good thing or a bad thing? John M. San Francisco
The widespread and profound sexual racism of our culture at large takes on more impact in queer and trans communities because we are smaller groups and more tightly connected. The line between what constitutes a fetish and what constitutes bigotry is often blurry. Outright rejection based solely on race is easy enough to spot, but trying to figure out if someone is attracted to you only because of your race can be a tough call.
White folks, of course, are not the only people who fetishize race. POCs do it, too. Men statistically tend to be more visually-oriented. If we are discussing men, the long chain of evidence on sexual attraction tells us that many men gravitate toward types—hair color, skin color, furriness or smoothness, eye color, eye shape, and all kinds of other physical characteristics. We also know that some men are more attracted to some cultural or ethnic groups because it may make them feel more at-home or intimate.
On the other hand, there is the problem of guys who make blatantly stereotypical assumptions—about everything from dick size to taste in music—based on skin color alone or racial background. There are also stereotypical assumptions about passivity or aggression in certain races. All these preconceptions can be turned into fetishes.
Your question is whether the fetishizing is good or bad. My answer is that this depends on the individuals who are subjects (or objects) of the fetishizing. If the persons making the assumptions and taking them as a fetish are fully conscious of the stereotyping and the masquerade of it all, and able to communicate in a healthy and honest way about it, then they are both able to subdue the racism—and subduing racism while building intimacy and/or having great sex is a good thing. If not, then it is socially bad, because the person being fetishized can be violated by racism.
I haven’t had sex in about a year. I’m a Korean guy and it doesn’t seem men on Grindr even want to give me a chance. Sometimes guys tell me, “I need a big dick,” and they haven’t even seen my pics yet. My dick is 7.5” long by 6” around, uncut. What is wrong with guys and their hangups about Asian dick? Drew P., San Leandro
As I write this, I’m sitting here with three colleagues, and all of them wanted to get your DM contact info eager to make a date.
In my experience, the stereotype about smaller penis size among Asian men is both pervasive and inaccurate. What’s wrong with guys about it? Racism is what’s wrong, plan and simple.
In the United States, as has been documented carefully by historians, there was a strong and concerted effort by white men to pass laws and create economic situations that in every way conceivable made attempts to emasculate Asian men, from banning work in certain industries, to banning holding property or bank accounts, to miscegenation laws, to draconian immigration laws, to a period where American women citizens could lose their citizenship by marrying an Asian man. Media portrayals of Asian men have not helped that imagery.
My suggestion is that you seek out venues to meet men other than Grindr and similar apps. In more person-to-person situations, someone who is going to act toward you with racial prejudice can be discarded quickly and unceremoniously (they deserve no better), and you can move on to find more appreciative prospects.
EDITORIAL
Ask An Ally
■ LUKE ADAMS LMFT Pride Issue 2018
The Myth of Reverse Racism
Can POCs be racist toward whites? Mark N., Marin
Reverse racism is not really a thing. People of color (POCs) can have racial prejudice toward white people but, in white supremacist societies, cannot be “racist” toward them. Here’s why. Racism is defined as a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race. In Western ideology, this means the systemic practice of white supremacy. Under this definition, POCs cannot be the enactors of racism against whites when white people are the primary holders of power. Theoretically, if the system of racism was one of, for example, Asian supremacy in the East, Asian people could be racist toward whites. However, this is demonstrably not the case especially here in North America. Racial minorities in the US can (and often do) practice some specific instances of racial prejudice or discrimination toward other POCs and/or whites. It’s reactionary toward white supremacy. There is definitely racial antagonism. Reactions come in different forms, most commonly in (and from) internalized oppression, and in rage toward oppressors. On that note, while POCs can inflict racism on other POCs, they’re not inflicting it on white people, although we’re all suffering within it.
Does having a racial preference for relationships or sex come from racism? Ernest P., Tenderloin
In the context of my prior answer, exclusions solely because of race, by definition, come from racism. But we can’t expect the realm of adult consensual sexual activity to necessarily be democratic. It’s too caught up in orientation, instinct, and the muck of nature. It needs social education.
In any case, having a preference for the physical appearances of particular ethnicities is not necessarily racist. It may simply be an aesthetic and cultural preference. There’s a qualitative difference between attraction to aesthetics and systemic oppression.
On the one hand, you might have someone who is feeling that she prefers the aesthetic appearances or cultural traditions of, for instance, South Indian people versus Scandinavian people. That’s a personal aesthetic preference.
On the other hand, you might have someone who writes in a profile: “No blacks. No Asians.” That’s blatantly racist, because it has excluded giant swaths of the world based on an artificial category of race and linked all aesthetic and cultural ethnic differences, and all individuals, into ridiculously broad categories based on little other than the global hemisphere and massive conglomerations of hugely different aesthetics and cultures. Such a person has applied a racist lens to a determination of what groups to even consider.
Ask An Ally is a column dedicated to answering questions from readers about social behavior in white people from the perspective of a queer white anti-racism ally. To submit questions, please post to facebook.com/MXDmagazine. Luke Adams LMFT is a psychotherapist and longtime democratic socialist community organizer.
